Angels in the Storm

People say that you only have one life, but truth be told, you live every day, and only die once. So, what is stopping you from living each day to the fullest?

I can complain about the last year and a half of surgeries, emergency surgeries, complications, a spinal cord injury, almost dying, almost losing my family because of morphine, and losing six months of my life that I can never get back. But, complaining would not change what happened.

Yes, I live in pain 24/7 from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, Intractable Pain, Central Nervous System Pain Syndrome, and Medical PTSD, and I have had periods of darkness that I did not think I could pull through, but just like my eating disorder, pain does not define the person I am becoming.

In this last year, I have lost friends and family, and I am fine with that because they were not supporting me when I needed them the most. I rebuilt my relationships that are the most meaningful, I have an amazing friend who texts me every day something inspirational, and I am graduating after finally finishing my internship in 3 weeks. I have a vision and purpose in life to share my story that may help others. I did not realize that until after I was weaned off morphine.

The truth about nerve pain is that pain medications do not help; they just make you not care. However, in my case, from what I have been told is that it made me go out of my mind. What I do remember is having conversations with my father and father-in-law multiple times a day, and they have both passed away, but looking back, I know they were sent to save me.

 Angels in the Storm

The Darkness engulfed me as I was hanging by a thread

I didn’t have a lifejacket because I wanted to be dead

As the storm became stronger, I saw a flicker of light, and my angles flew down and held me tight

We talked for hours day and night, how life is not fair but I had to fight

I did not want to listen because I had no hope, as the bridge started shaking my angels spoke: “If you go now there is no turning back, the morphine lead down the wrong track. It was supposed to help take your pain away, but instead, it decided to take your life away.”

My angels stayed with me no end in sight because they saw my purpose, but I had no light

Living with pain, how could this be after I fought for my life to be set free

I had to accept that this was meant to be, to help others who suffer just like me

As I started to climb, my angels stood by, and before they flew away, they turned to say: “Life will be hard, but you have come to see that you are stronger than you ever thought a human could be. Don’t ever let go when the storm blows your way because you are here to lead others to stay.”

As they turned to go, they kissed me goodbye, and all I could do is breakdown and cry.

Morphine brought me to my knees, and I climbed back up to follow the voices that held me up. I will not give up or lean over the edge because CRPS will not be my end.

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Reclaiming My Life

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I have been gone for way too long. The story is long, and I am not ready to discuss the situation in length, but I am doing great.

Over the past year, I had ten surgeries and multiple complications, but that is for another day because I am now reclaiming my life. I have been in recovery from all eating disorders, and I struggled some while dealing with what happened to me. However, today I choose joy, and I have a lot to be thankful for because I am now a grandmother, my youngest just got engaged, I am just about ready to work again after almost 8 years, and I am officially done school on September 16th. Well, I say officially, but I am starting graduate school in January.

It is ok to have setbacks, but it is not ok to stay stuck in that place, and it took me time to relearn that this year. A very good friend said to me, “Not every day will be positive, but there is a positive in every day.” Each night I write a new poem to clear my head of the medical PTSD I now suffer from, which helps me hold onto the positives in my life.

You Will Never Be my Friend

Why did you come back when I was feeling so strong
What did I do, where did I go wrong

I did not faint
I already ate
I did not purge
I have not lost weight

I refuse to allow you to control my thoughts
You are not my friend, so please don’t pretend

I have climbed up before
I will not crawl
Your words cannot break me
I will not fall

A friend would never make you get down on your knees
To beg for life, you once promised me

I learned a lesson the other day that you cannot shake me or take me away

I left you once, and I will do it again; because you Ana, were never my friend

 

Find your Why in life, and run with it because life is too short to be unhappy.

Peace and Love