People say that you only have one life, but truth be told, you live every day, and only die once. So, what is stopping you from living each day to the fullest?
I can complain about the last year and a half of surgeries, emergency surgeries, complications, a spinal cord injury, almost dying, almost losing my family because of morphine, and losing six months of my life that I can never get back. But, complaining would not change what happened.
Yes, I live in pain 24/7 from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, Intractable Pain, Central Nervous System Pain Syndrome, and Medical PTSD, and I have had periods of darkness that I did not think I could pull through, but just like my eating disorder, pain does not define the person I am becoming.
In this last year, I have lost friends and family, and I am fine with that because they were not supporting me when I needed them the most. I rebuilt my relationships that are the most meaningful, I have an amazing friend who texts me every day something inspirational, and I am graduating after finally finishing my internship in 3 weeks. I have a vision and purpose in life to share my story that may help others. I did not realize that until after I was weaned off morphine.
The truth about nerve pain is that pain medications do not help; they just make you not care. However, in my case, from what I have been told is that it made me go out of my mind. What I do remember is having conversations with my father and father-in-law multiple times a day, and they have both passed away, but looking back, I know they were sent to save me.
Angels in the Storm
The Darkness engulfed me as I was hanging by a thread
I didn’t have a lifejacket because I wanted to be dead
As the storm became stronger, I saw a flicker of light, and my angles flew down and held me tight
We talked for hours day and night, how life is not fair but I had to fight
I did not want to listen because I had no hope, as the bridge started shaking my angels spoke: “If you go now there is no turning back, the morphine lead down the wrong track. It was supposed to help take your pain away, but instead, it decided to take your life away.”
My angels stayed with me no end in sight because they saw my purpose, but I had no light
Living with pain, how could this be after I fought for my life to be set free
I had to accept that this was meant to be, to help others who suffer just like me
As I started to climb, my angels stood by, and before they flew away, they turned to say: “Life will be hard, but you have come to see that you are stronger than you ever thought a human could be. Don’t ever let go when the storm blows your way because you are here to lead others to stay.”
As they turned to go, they kissed me goodbye, and all I could do is breakdown and cry.
Morphine brought me to my knees, and I climbed back up to follow the voices that held me up. I will not give up or lean over the edge because CRPS will not be my end.