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Angels in the Storm

People say that you only have one life, but truth be told, you live every day, and only die once. So, what is stopping you from living each day to the fullest?

I can complain about the last year and a half of surgeries, emergency surgeries, complications, a spinal cord injury, almost dying, almost losing my family because of morphine, and losing six months of my life that I can never get back. But, complaining would not change what happened.

Yes, I live in pain 24/7 from Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, Intractable Pain, Central Nervous System Pain Syndrome, and Medical PTSD, and I have had periods of darkness that I did not think I could pull through, but just like my eating disorder, pain does not define the person I am becoming.

In this last year, I have lost friends and family, and I am fine with that because they were not supporting me when I needed them the most. I rebuilt my relationships that are the most meaningful, I have an amazing friend who texts me every day something inspirational, and I am graduating after finally finishing my internship in 3 weeks. I have a vision and purpose in life to share my story that may help others. I did not realize that until after I was weaned off morphine.

The truth about nerve pain is that pain medications do not help; they just make you not care. However, in my case, from what I have been told is that it made me go out of my mind. What I do remember is having conversations with my father and father-in-law multiple times a day, and they have both passed away, but looking back, I know they were sent to save me.

 Angels in the Storm

The Darkness engulfed me as I was hanging by a thread

I didn’t have a lifejacket because I wanted to be dead

As the storm became stronger, I saw a flicker of light, and my angles flew down and held me tight

We talked for hours day and night, how life is not fair but I had to fight

I did not want to listen because I had no hope, as the bridge started shaking my angels spoke: “If you go now there is no turning back, the morphine lead down the wrong track. It was supposed to help take your pain away, but instead, it decided to take your life away.”

My angels stayed with me no end in sight because they saw my purpose, but I had no light

Living with pain, how could this be after I fought for my life to be set free

I had to accept that this was meant to be, to help others who suffer just like me

As I started to climb, my angels stood by, and before they flew away, they turned to say: “Life will be hard, but you have come to see that you are stronger than you ever thought a human could be. Don’t ever let go when the storm blows your way because you are here to lead others to stay.”

As they turned to go, they kissed me goodbye, and all I could do is breakdown and cry.

Morphine brought me to my knees, and I climbed back up to follow the voices that held me up. I will not give up or lean over the edge because CRPS will not be my end.

I am not Anti-Health I am Anti-Fad Diets and Body Shaming

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I need to make something clear. I am not anti-health. I am anti-anything that causes one to restrict, punish self, and label foods as good and bad. I am anti-anything that preys on the vulnerable to meet their financial goals.

When you stop trying to change your body, and you work on mindset, food is no longer the enemy or friend; It’s just-food. Understanding health at every size would provide all mental health practitioners, dietitians, and medical personal the tools needed to breakdown and eliminate weight stigma. The number on the scale is not an indicator of health, it is a tool for medication purposes, and that is how it should remain.

HAES

With that said, HAES does not mean healthy at every size. It means health at every size, and doctors dismiss symptoms and miss life-threatening illness because of weight stigma. Essentially it means all bodies deserve love, respect, and validation, and that still does not happen in 2019.

*Disclaimer*

I had a very underweight eating disorder client who asked:” If weight is not an indicator of health, then why do I have to gain weight?”

Let me be brutally honest here when I was considered morbidity Obese, not one doctor validated my health issues or ED. I was repulsive to them, and it made me feel worthless and hopeless because I was not “deserving” of help until I lost weight.

I was court-ordered into a residential facility where I spent 5 months the first time, and six more admissions and four medical hospitalizations later, I was not expected to live. If one doctor would have validated me, things may have been different. It wasn’t until I shrunk my body almost to my death did someone say, ” She needs help.”

If you are battling anorexia and your weight is dangerously low, you can and will ultimately die. Anorexia is the number one mental health disease that will take your life, and in a life-threatening situation, the weight will be the focus. I am sorry because I’ve been there, but you will get through it. As your body and brain get nourished, you begin to heal your relationship with food, and the number on the scale becomes insignificant. I have not stepped on a scale at home or with my treatment team in 8-years.

Reality

Not all people with anorexia fit into the mold of the DSM-IV for validation of needing help. I am working on changing this, and it is my “work in process” Thesis. According to the new code, one is deserving of help if their body % is 75 or less. If all eating disorders were validated regardless of weight, no one would get to that 75% or lower.

If you have binge eating disorder, a doctor will tell you to lose weight. He or she will not address your medical concerns because they feel if you lose weight, all your symptoms will magically disappear, and many people go undiagnosed with major health issues and die because of weight stigma.

 If you have bulimia, a doctor will say, “Well, you do not look like you have an eating disorder.”

If you have anorexia and you are of average weight or higher, a doctor will tell you that you are “Not sick enough.”

If you have anorexia and you are below 75% you are already dying, so now you are sick enough.

The system needs to change now, and I am here to make sure no one goes through the emotional abuse I went through from the medical professional because I was not “sick enough” until I almost died.

Comment below on how weight stigma had impacted your life.

The Truth About MLM’s and Fad Diets

 

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Let’s discuss an MLM, specifically, BeachBody because I had an interaction with one of the “coaches” yesterday. If you are a BeachBody Coach, do not take offense over what I say because this is just my opinion and my experience with pyramid schemes.

The conversation went like this:

Coach: I have been following you for a while now, and I think you would make a great coach.

Me: You obviously have not followed me well enough because if you did, you would know I am in recovery from anorexia. I am all about HAES (Health at Every Size), and I do not do pyramid schemes.

Coach: It’s not a pyramid scheme. You can make great money, help people, and take care of your health.  What’s more important to you, money or health?

The Truth

Here’s the deal, if you are going to ask someone, “What’s more important, money or health?” You just lost them.

I should have ended the conversation there, but I wanted to see how far she would push the subject, so I asked her what her education was in, and she said you do not need any education to be a coach, WRONG!

She also said the program can help people in recovery from eating disorders because the superfoods will help one gain or lose weight while also changing their relationship with food, WRONG! Any program that has one obsessing about exercise, calories, portion control, meal replacements with so-called Superfoods, and weighing daily, is not healthy for anyone, let alone someone recovering from an eating disorder. The truth is, the program is not sustainable because people cannot afford to buy the products monthly.

She also claimed that Superfoods cured her Lupus, so it can certainly cure me of my autoimmune disease and Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, WRONG! I believe in science and my amazing treatment team, and without them, I would not be alive today.

The mom crack (GOGO Juice) will give me energy. Kathy (not her name), if you truly followed my account, you would know that I had a heart attack, and your mom crack could kill me.

What does BeachBody Mean

What BeachBody Coaching means is that you must get as many suckers to join your team so that you can make money, however, unless you are at the top, it is estimated that only 1% of coaches make large amounts of money because all the work these coaches do is paying the highest leader to sit around laughing at them for making them wealthy.

To end this, I want to share what I learned when I watched a BeachBody Team Call that should have never been posted to YouTube.

On this team call: Head Coach and three of the coaches that are under her.

  • Find vulnerable people
  • Make them feel guilty by asking them would you rather live and spend the money, or die an early death?
  • Tell them if they stopped drinking coffee and planned a budget, they can afford to make their health a priority.
  • Keep checking on them and pretend to be caring about their situation.
  • If they have disordered eating, tell them you were trained in helping people overcome their food issues, (they are not and do not have a degree in anything). *Disclaimer*Some coaches are nurses, and deceiving people goes against everything we learned as a nurse. However, I never had a BeachBody Coach who is a nurse contact me, so I cannot assume they follow the same practice as other coaches. Regardless, it is still a Fad Diet that can lead to disordered eating and over-exercising.
  • Tell them that superfoods will heal them. Make up an illness you had.
  • Even if you hate the shakes as I do, pretend you love them.
  • Make sure you post workouts even if you do not do them. (Get dressed in workout clothes, cover yourself in water (sweat), and do a few minutes of the routine to post in your stories.
  • Filter the shit out of your transformation Tuesday pictures (push your stomach out in one and hold suck it in “baby’ in the second)
  • Tell them you have a great meal plan for them to follow that will give them optimal results (not allowed to do). I work with adolescents who have eating disorders, and I do not advise on food because it goes against my scope of practice. That is why they have an eating disorder dietitian. 
  • Lie about how much money you make (the head coach actually makes less than 500 a month, tells people 5000.00).
  • Buy followers to show you have a great community. If you look at any BeachBody account, you will see that most have 10,000 plus followers but look at their post because you will see they only have 25 or fewer likes and no comments.

Yes, I am anti-MLM, and more people need to learn that unless you have connections and a huge following (real followers), you will end up losing more money than you could ever make.

I was once a sucker and joined an MLM, LipSense under one of the top leaders. She offered no support, I ordered and sold $2500.00 in products my first month, and what did I get you might ask, a $5.00 credit towards my next month’s purchase which was mandatory. I quit that day and come to find out the top leader is making 600,000 a year off of all her fans under her. She built a 1-million-dollar home, so that says a lot about how she gets paid to stay at home and do no work. Why would she when she has about 4000 people who work their butts off to make her wealthy while they get credit for products.

What is the Goal of MLM?

The goal of any MLM is to get your people any way that you can, and then push (coach) them to get people (Family and Friends) under them because without recruiting people the top coaches do not make any money. MLM’s push you to harass family and friends to join you, and the money that does not come from the products you are supposed to sell will and has destroyed marriages, family, and friend relationships. Is it worth it?

What are your thoughts on MLM’s? Comment below

Reclaiming My Life

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I have been gone for way too long. The story is long, and I am not ready to discuss the situation in length, but I am doing great.

Over the past year, I had ten surgeries and multiple complications, but that is for another day because I am now reclaiming my life. I have been in recovery from all eating disorders, and I struggled some while dealing with what happened to me. However, today I choose joy, and I have a lot to be thankful for because I am now a grandmother, my youngest just got engaged, I am just about ready to work again after almost 8 years, and I am officially done school on September 16th. Well, I say officially, but I am starting graduate school in January.

It is ok to have setbacks, but it is not ok to stay stuck in that place, and it took me time to relearn that this year. A very good friend said to me, “Not every day will be positive, but there is a positive in every day.” Each night I write a new poem to clear my head of the medical PTSD I now suffer from, which helps me hold onto the positives in my life.

You Will Never Be my Friend

Why did you come back when I was feeling so strong
What did I do, where did I go wrong

I did not faint
I already ate
I did not purge
I have not lost weight

I refuse to allow you to control my thoughts
You are not my friend, so please don’t pretend

I have climbed up before
I will not crawl
Your words cannot break me
I will not fall

A friend would never make you get down on your knees
To beg for life, you once promised me

I learned a lesson the other day that you cannot shake me or take me away

I left you once, and I will do it again; because you Ana, were never my friend

 

Find your Why in life, and run with it because life is too short to be unhappy.

Peace and Love

Relapse

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After being thrown into a medically induced anorexia stage things have spiraled out of control, and I want to be real. It’s hard to battle back, but I have decided to go into a medical hospital to get my Nervous System back in control so that I can continue with my recovery. Sometimes life throws you curve balls, and it is up to you how you act and react to them, and my actions and reactions have caused me to trip, stumble, and fall, but I will never give up or lose the fight. I wrote these Lyrics to Demi Lovato’s song Sober after I was already on the ground, and planning a way to climb back up.

I got no excuses for the life I turned upside down.

I hope you’re still there when I need you because I am dead inside.

Catch me when I am fainting because I refused to eat, and keep the demons away as you watch me disappear

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know why I do it every every every time
It’s only when I am terrified

Sometimes I just wanna be invisible, and I don’t want to try I cry, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry just tell me you need me.

To my husband, I am so sorry I’m not in recovery anymore, and Kids, please forgive me when I throw food on the floor. To the team who’s never left me we’ve been down this road before. I’m so sorry I have relapsed once more.

I’m sorry for my future life, and for the life I left behind, making all those promises that stayed within my head.

I’m sorry for the friends I lost who watched me fail again.

I want to be a remodel, but I caved to anorexia again.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know why I do it every every every time
It’s only when I am terrified

Sometimes I just wanna be invisible, and I don’t want to try I cry, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry, I cry just tell me you need me.

To my husband, I am so sorry I’m not in recovery anymore, and Kids, please forgive me when I throw food on the floor. To the team who’s never left me we’ve been down this road before. I’m so sorry I have relapsed once more.

I am not in recovery anymore…

 

I am sorry that I am here again

I am sorry to myself

It wasn’t my intention

I promise I’ll get help

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management, Universal Music Publishing Group: Demi Lovato (Sober) 2018 (Kelly Rossi, (2018) lyrics to the tune of Sober) https://youtu.be/vORIohoI4m0

Little Girls Don’t Stay Little Forever

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The moment you are born society gives you a list of things you cannot do, and you must be because you are dainty, breakable, and not strong enough to flee.

When society says you have to be thin and beautiful to fit in, I want you to know that beauty comes from within, and you will always be the most precious baby girl to me.

”Boys will be Boys” you will hear society say, don’t let them take your self-confidence away. Your body is your temple and unique just for you, stand tall and proud of everything it can do.

I want you to know that you can be anything you set your mind to; an astronaut, an athlete, a doctor, or even the President if you wish to be because…

Little Girls Don’t Stay Little Forever

I want you to know that when you reach for the stars and lightning strikes you down the thunder will roar, and the sky will be yours because…

Little Girls Don’t Stay Little Forever

Your voice never silenced, you will always have me because I was once a little girl society tried to bring to her knees, but…

Little Girls Don’t Stay Little Forever

And when fear and doubt take your hands, your partner in crime I will always be to face any evil or hurt that comes your way because…

I was once a little girl who threw society’s rules away.

 

Breaking Free From ED

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Fear invited you into my life the day my childhood was taken. How could I know at the age of five it was a lifetime commitment because you invaded my mind?

Your love so strong, your grip so tight, you were breathing for me as you blinded my sight. My fate now cinched because you kept me free from the dangers around me that brought me to my knees.

You whispered don’t speak and never to stray because I would not survive if you did not stay.

You took my voice and gave me yours, my life no longer mine because we are now conjoined. Together we will be till death do us part, our vows now sealed since you broke my heart.

My world on fire, I can see from afar, spiraling like a tornado that hit me so hard. Hiding and manipulation became my only goal. My motto, my song, was known to all. 

I already ate

I did not purge

I have not fainted

I have not lost weight

An abusive relationship I never saw, you brainwashed my mind when you stole my soul. My body weak, my blood pressure low, my heart barely beating, and I had no control. My life never mine, and I asked you to go, you shook me violently, telling me “NO.”

You said you would let up if I lost more weight and as I disappeared your power dominated. You brought me to death’s door so many times and asked for forgiveness as I was losing my mind. My thoughts no longer clear I had to believe you had my best interest, so I was ready to please.

My team my lifeline rolled in like thunder striking you down as I was going under. Their wisdom and guidance sent me a rope bringing me back up and giving me hope.

I no longer trust the words that you say because I have no doubt you will take me away. The battles with you continue to show, but I have come to see that you never wanted to set me free. You warned me of danger; a reality unseen, your power once crippling, is slowly coming back to me.

The time has come for us to part ways; I want to survive without you by my side. You no longer control me, as much as you try, as I continue to trip, stumble, and fall; I will crawl until I can fly.

As you sit on my shoulder begging to come in, I whisper these words “I am the storm that put out the fire, and as I send you to hell, I need you to hear, I am stronger than you as I watch you disappear.”

Sincerely,

Kelly Rossi