Fear is like a deer in headlights because it stops one in their tracks, not allowing your legs to move forward or backward, just stuck, frozen in time. It leaves you with self-doubt, low self-esteem, no self-confidence, and the doom of failure is like a black cloud hanging just far enough above your head so that you cannot reach it; perpetually waiting for the lightning to strike. It paralyzes one to the point of self-destruction. All the dreams and hopes of what you thought your life would look like vanishes because you are already dead inside. You lose sight of who you are because fear traps your mind into believing you are not worthy or deserving of happiness and success.
I cannot even begin to count how many times I have succumbed to you, how many projects are left undone, how many times I betrayed my body, and how many nights I have stayed up in sheer panic because you made me believe that I would fail. You have left me in turmoil because I thought I was not worthy to be a daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, or friend, and I pushed the most precious and loving people out of my life.
You have made me build a concrete wall around myself, brick by brick, so the people who can help me the most cannot get in, and I cannot get out. And, because of you, I have an all or nothing thinking, and perfectionism controls my every being. I always have to prove you will not beat me, so I have to be the best at governing my body, having the highest GPA, and the champion in encapsulating myself into a cocoon to conceal my past; my true identity. However, what I have come to realize is that you have made me sink deeper into a hole, hanging over cliffs, and wishing I would not wake up again because I could not face another day with you in my life.
You, anorexia, anxiety, depression, and perfectionism became a great team, and have left me isolated in my mind, not looking forward to the possibilities of what life would be like if you were not in it. As soon as I see the light, you grab hold of me, and whisper in my ear “You cannot go out there because you are a failure, cannot be loved or liked, and you are too stupid to reach your goals.” You convinced me that without you I could not survive, and you took my voice and silenced me as soon as I felt the need to speak.
I have lived my life according to your every demand. Always forgetting about my aspirations; not learning who I am or what I could grow to become. You have become my only instinct; inflicting pain for most of my life. Today, I will find my voice, climb out of the darkness, step high on the mountain, break down the wall, and break free from the cocoon so my wings can fly. I will fight you, win the battles you throw my way, and I will win the war.
From now on, you are no longer welcomed in my life, unless there is a rational and real threat to my physical and mental well-being, but you will never get the chance again to tell me I am not deserving to live my life to the fullest potential.
“Fear Is Only as Big as You Allow It to Grow in Your Mind, Once Faced You Begin to Soar.”